Is this thing on? (tapping microphone)
Ahem.
Hi, my name is Maria. Remember me? I'm 32, living in Harlem, have the child Maasai and the cat Queen Cheeba Dendra. Well...yeah...this is awkward. I've been gone so long I don't know what to say. I'm embarrassed even. I acted as if I would keep this thing going, had you hanging on ever word like a girl with her high school crush (maybe not quite that dramatic), but since I've been gone so many things have happened that I couldn't possibly put them all in one post. I have not been fair. And given my track record, I'm not making anymore promises either because -frankly- I just suck.
I don't even know where to start. I guess I could tell you all about the depression I was in, but then that would give this post such a dismal tone.  I suppose it's the only good place to start though because the end of the story is one of such hope.
So yeah. I've been depressed for the last few months. But through it all, I was so incredibly blessed. Last year around this time, I decided to apply to a principal's program. The program was situated here as well as other major cities in the country. I realized it would be too overwhelming to stay here and go through this intense program being the single mother that I am (and yes, I'm wearing that badge proudly). So I decided to apply to the program in Oakland where both of my parents, and my brother, would be nearby. Well in December, my daughter's father got word of this, and decided that I could not, should not, would not go. We were having this discussion regarding the matter during a photo shoot I was scheduled for, and I asked if we could finish it later. Later never came. What I did get later was a summons to appear in court for the barring of my relocation. In between that conversation and the serving of the papers I had found out I did not get into the program. Was a little disappointed, but it's crazy how God knows what you are capable of before you do. Anyhow, I had decided that it was finally time for me and Maasai to head back to Atlanta as I have had far too much fun here in New York and put myself in far too much debt in the process. Besides, it was what Maasai wanted. Had always wanted. She never liked the idea of being in Harlem, you see. Her precious five-year-old self had proclaimed that there weren't enough trees, but there were too many "brown people" and garbage. My poor child yearned for the clean fresh air she missed. She ached for the diverse community she had become a part of at Garden Hills Elementary. She pined away for the freshly polished tree-lined streets of Atlanta. She wanted the community of people that she had known all her life. Somehow all of that meant more than being closer to her father. I didn't respect that, so I thought it was only fair to finally grant her wish.
Again, her father said that we could not, should not, would not go. So the court battle ensued.
It was long. It was arduous. It was painstakingly detestable. But through it all, my elders kept pushing me to press my character. They told me to give him no reason to call me out on poor decisions, bad tempers, and unkind words. And I listened.
So I'm happy to say that August 1, 2010 Maasai and I will be moving back to Atlanta, Georgia. Amen
I can make this cute and short now, but for five long months I was terrified. Terrified about the possibility that someone could force us to stay in a place that was harmful for us by law; terrified that my child might be affected by the ugliness that her father and I were consumed with; terrified that I might not have a morsel of food to eat and a pot to piss in, but he would get his wish of demanding that she be closer. I wanted to honor him in some way. I wanted to honor the belief that he just wanted to be closer to his child, but my own judgment wouldn't let me...and a heaping helping of stubbornness. But that press on character y'all...that was the key to unlocking the truth. I prayed for humility, and somehow it found me. Not everyday. Not every minute. But somehow I got just enough that I left that situation with my dignity intact and no harsh words thrown (at least from my side). And it's still hard to maintain. And I can't say that I have necessarily always maintained it. But I see where having good character got me. And that lesson is seared in my Spirit. So here's to a better me.
Anyhow...yes, through it all I remained eternally blessed in ways that I could not have imagined.
I spent a lot of time in Atlanta believing that I might possibly get to go live there permanently this past summer. I went 7 times in 9 months! I had several job interviews, and for some strange reason every single one fell through. Again, God knew the outcome before I could see it. But it allowed me time to walk closer with the community of Nzinga & Ndugu -the rites of passage that I am affiliated with there- and the "walking" I did with those individuals saved my life. It pushed me in ways unimaginable. And I was asked to complete the first step in a series of steps to becoming an elder in that community: my gift project. The idea behind the gift project is that each of us is born with an inherent gift that we are to offer to the world. This gift is your purpose, and defines how you are supposed to walk through this world. My gift is aesthetics/griot. They are so closely related, but aesthetes remind others of who they are in beautiful ways such as singing, dancing, and photography. They are the creative people that nurture people's Spirits. Griots or djelis are those that tell the stories and histories of a people through the arts. So the gift project is a presentation of your gift and a way of introducing how your gift manifests in a community. I chose to create a scrapbook of all of the people currently active in this rites of passage (no surprise there). And this is what I came up with.

So after I presented my scrapbook, I was told I would be going underground soon in order to prepare for production. Before that happens though, I want to update here as much as I can. Get y'all updated before I venture off into my new project.